Clausterophobic

“You are my special girl, and I never want that to change…”

The text message illuminates the other wise dark room.  I read it over several times, trying to decide how to respond.  I could just leave it at that and not say anything, but then I would get four more messages saying “I’m sorry for weirding you out” and “I shouldn’t have said that, you must not feel the same way…”  But that’s not the case.  I do like you… I think.  I just feel like there is no way for me to turn back.  You developed feelings for me so fast, that I had no time to say no.  I feel claustrophobic.  Like the walls are closing in around me and there is no way out.  I will always be trapped in a relationship with you, with out any space for me to be honest, because I am afraid to hurt you.

It’s not just you making me feel trapped, it’s also my friends.  Everyone around me talks about “how perfect we are” and “how he treats you so well”.  They never take it into consideration that too much of a good thing can start to taste bad.  You always treat me like I am your princess, which is what every girl dreams of, but it some how just doesn’t seem right.  It’s too perfect.

The room is dark again and I am nearly asleep when the phone sends a vibration through my hand.  I see your name again and I hesitate to open it, but my temptation slides the message open.  When I read what it says, my heart starts to pound.”I love you.”  The words stare back at me mockingly, as if it were some type of joke.  I can feel the walls  pushing closer and closer around me to the point where I might burst into a million different pieces.  I quickly close the screen and try to pretend like I didn’t just receive the message, but it doesn’t work.  The walls keep closing in and I start to feel dizzy.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. The last thing I want to do is let everyone else down.  The second I come clean, you will be heart broken, and my friends will all hate me for what I did.   There’s no easy answer.

The dark room seems even more dense than it did before.  All of my worries seem to be filling the black air and pressing down on to me.  I break its pressure as I click my phone back on and go back to my inbox.  I begin to type my response, mindlessly tapping my fingers across the screen.  When I press send, I sit still for a moment.  I imagine the message floating through the air for twenty miles until it appears on the screen of your phone.  I imagine you taking a deep breath and looking at the screen, afraid of what you might see next.  I imagine you reading the words “I love you” and feeling a rush of joy and happiness.

I put my phone down next to my bed and turn the screen off as the heavy darkness appears again and begins to suffocate me with its weight.

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